Forks, Knives and Etcetera Other Such Utensils
by penguin-STRUT
Summary: In which Hinata's mad, Tenten's confused, Sasuke's furious, and Naruto just wants to die. When two worlds collide, the smoldering wreck left in its wake is... well nothing like what you expected. Naru/Hina, implied Sasu/Saku Shika/Ino


A/N: So I figured I'd take a whack at trying to write a humour story, since I'm predominantly an Angst writer. So tell me what you think, do I have what it takes to write humour?

Penguin

P.S - I probably couldn't have even finished this if it wasn't for my sister, PinkKunai, who is an avid humour writer so go check her stories out :)

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><p>Naruto was in the bedroom changing out of his ANBU gear when he heard his girlfriend come in.<p>

"I'm home!" she called into the house, knowing that he would come out and greet her as soon as he was decent...or not. Naruto strode out to the living room, clad in nothing but his shorts.

"Welcome back, how was your day Hina-chan?" the blonde boy asked, wrapping his muscled arms around her in greeting. That seemed to be the wrong question to ask as that set her off on an impossibly long tangent about her wonderful day with the girls which involved watching a movie about a hot vampire, shopping, lunch, gossip and generally things that Naruto would rather die than partake in. So he started to zone her out as they headed into the kitchen where Hinata began making dinner for the two of them. He tuned in just in time to catch Hinata talking about forks.

"Naruto are you even listening to me?" she asked, pinning him with a glare.

"Of course honey" Naruto lied, grinning back at her. "You said we needed more forks?" Hinata dissolved into giggles.

"No" she said in a voice that implied it should've been the most obvious thing in the world. "Me and the girls were talking about that newest film, Eclipse" Naruto pouted.

"Oh god not that thing about gay vampires" Hinata frowned.

"I do not appreciate you calling the object of my affections gay" Hinata told him primly, putting on her best Hyuuga snob look.

"Hinata-chan we talked about this, I am the sole object of your affections and anyone who even thinks of usurping that position can taste my rasengan in the most unpleasant of places."

"Modesty Naruto-kun, is something you have in abundance" Naruto grinned. "But as I was saying, we were just talking about how nice it would be to live in a place like Forks."

"I think you've lost me"

"You know Forks!"

"I didn't realize that living in a utensil was any good."

"You're funny Naruto-kun but no, Forks is a place, a small town to be exact."

"Well they sure weren't creative with their names, might as well have named it town." Hinata crossed her arms and looked away.

"I'm mad at you right now"

"Well we can easily rectify that" he murmured in her ear huskily, drawing her into his embrace again. Hinata placed a firm hand on his chest and pushed him off with the force only years of hard-training as a kunoichi could produce.

"Don't think you're getting off that easily" she told him, putting on her best angry face, but falling remarkably short of the mark "I have to go cook dinner, now shoo" She made a gesture towards the door of the kitchen. Naruto pouted, but followed her orders and left. After dinner the two snuggled up on the couch, lazily watching the images flick by on the television. Naruto drew small, lazy circles with his finger on Hinata's thigh, until the girl batted his hand away.

"Oh come on" Naruto groaned, burying his head in the back of her neck "You can' still be mad at me"

"You haven't apologized yet Naruto-kun" she told him in a teasing sing-song voice.

"Would you accept my apology if I told you I would watch that vampire movie with you?" Naruto asked, giving her his best puppy dog face. Hinata nodded happily, bouncing off his lap to retrieve something from the pile of DVDs beside their TV. After several minutes of shuffling Hinata finally put the first Twilight into the DVD player and returned to her original position, cuddling up close to her boyfriend.

"Chin up Naruto-kun" she told him, giggling into his chest when he just groaned. "It's not that bad I promise" Naruto didn't answer, just lowering his head and laying it on top of Hinata's. Almost an hour and half later and Naruto was about ready to jet. If it wasn't for the fact that Hinata was in his lap and even the mere thought of throwing her off was blasphemy, he wouldn't have wanted to suffer another second of this supposed _masterpiece_. Naruto shuddered as the main character spouted off some cheesy nonsense to his female lead, as they danced in what apparently was supposed to be a high school dance, whatever that was. Hinata giggled.

"Hina, you know I love you but this is too much" Naruto said, "You can't actually think this crap is romantic" This sent Hinata into another fit of giggles.

"Oh Naruto-kun, you shouldn't say things like that, it may upset me then you would have to sit through watching the second movie" Hinata said, an almost devious glint in her eyes. Naruto groaned, wishing he wasn't such a horrible influence, as he was often told by Hiashi, on his girlfriend. "And now I'll have to call my girlfriends over for moral support" Hinata leaned partially out of his embrace to grab their phone, giving Naruto an innocent smile the whole way. Twenty minutes later, a whole gaggle of girls were over at his apartment.

"Tenten I can't believe you're here" Naruto said, gasping at the ANBU girl "You can't actually like this cr-" Naruto paused as Sakura and Ino glared him down. Tenten just laughed.

"Oh I'm just here to watch you crash and burn" the bun-haired girl told him, "I could hardly care less about the movie" Naruto sighed, glad that at least one person in the room was in agreement with him about the absurdity of the movie. Halfway through the second movie and Naruto was all set to retrieve a knife, even a butter knife, and perform seppuku.

"Give me a knife Hina-chan, take pity, I can't take this anymore" he whispered to his girlfriend, who only gave him a scandalized look.

"Naruto-kun don't exaggerate, it isn't even that bad" Hinata told him in return. Naruto begged to differ, watching with Hinata had been a cakewalk, as she would only occasionally sigh or giggle, but watching with the likes of Ino and Sakura were hell. The two could practically recite the movie line by line and their obnoxious shrieking when the guys in the movie started stripping nearly destroyed his eardrums. He glared at Tenten when he noticed she had already plugged her ears with her fingers in preparation. He finally lost it when the main character, whose name always eluded Naruto, removed his shirt. Naruto cringed.

"That's the object of your affections!" Naruto almost screamed at the top of his lungs. "He's...he's..." Naruto couldn't even find the words to describe the horridness that was apparently supposed to be the epitome of man. He was hairy like an ape, flabby like a pig and looked like he had to take a huge shit, but couldn't.

"The next words out of your mouth better be something complimentary" Sakura threatened, holding her fist up at the boy. The blonde ANBU captain turned to his teammate who was seated on the floor in front of him.

"I order you to go to the kitchen and get me a spoon" Naruto told her, his voice completely serious. Tenten raised an eyebrow.

"Why?"

"I need to gouge my eyes out" Sakura and Ino leapt at him at the same time Hinata vacated her seat on his lap. They tousled for a good couple minutes until Ino managed to get him into a headlock, but by that time they were just a mass of limbs. Just then Naruto's trained hearing picked up the sound of his lock being opened; only one other person had the key to his house that wasn't in the room now. He tried to free himself from the compromising position he was in, but only managed to further entangle himself, causing both girls to yelp as they all rolled off the couch and landed on the floor. Sasuke, Neji and Shikamaru walked into the room, their eyes going a little wide at the scene. Ino was lying dazed on top of Naruto who was lying on Sakura, all their faces just a little flushed. In the background, the ending scene of the second Twilight movie was just finishing up.

"Hot" Neji deadpanned, as Shikamaru and Sasuke glared at the trio on the floor. "Who knew this movie was actually good for something" Just then Tenten came back into the room with a spoon in hand. Naruto watched as Sasuke's eyes swiveled to the spoon in Tenten's hands. Naruto waved his hands around frantically.

"No! No! It's not what you think" Naruto cried. Sasuke breathed out really slowly and looked towards Tenten.

"Go and get me a knife" he told her, but Tenten only put her hands on her hips.

"No, what do I look like a maid? Get your own damn utensils"


End file.
